Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.