Hello, my name is Pierre.
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My plans: 2020:
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.