“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.