Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name