Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.