HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.