“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.