hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators