“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
#MeanwhileinCanada
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.