“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
In space, no one can hear…
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button