hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.


Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.


DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this


Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.


I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want


We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//


If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.


me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast