@itsallbollocks
@TheBoydP Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
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@TheBoydP 
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
@Home_Halfway DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
@BeerFarts101 Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
@PRESTONinCOLOR Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
@mikeyspiritDC If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
@DBMaxP I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
@crashtestdrummy We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
@sskylark If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
@Browtweaten me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast