@itsallbollocks

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

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@TheBoydP

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

@Home_Halfway

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

@BeerFarts101

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

@PRESTONinCOLOR

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

@mikeyspiritDC

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

@crashtestdrummy

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

@sskylark

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

@Browtweaten

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast