*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
You Might Also Like
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers