@ziwe mood
@Rollmaninoz *Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
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@ziwe 
@nPhelendriqal I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
@meantomyself If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
@isabelzawtun When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
@UnFitz Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
@UncleDuke1969 Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
@amydillon When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
@nowayraghav My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
@MaxKrimeTV [Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
@TrolleyCat I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.