*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

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If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK


When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”


Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.


Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.


When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.


My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.


[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.


I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.