@Rollmaninoz

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

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@meantomyself

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

@isabelzawtun

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

@UnFitz

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

@UncleDuke1969

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

@amydillon

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

@nowayraghav

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

@MaxKrimeTV

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

@TrolleyCat

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.