“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married