“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!