Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.