help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
New tinder profile pic
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”