help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
PLOT TWIST:
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment