@brendohare
@Kali_Mura Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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@Kali_Mura 
@thedad DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
@highwaytohelv why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
@TheTweetOfGod The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
@InternetHippo me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
@fro_vo *me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
@beefman138 People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
@ZachWeiner Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
@MafiaKingfish 76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
@mortimermaiden Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.