@brendohare

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@Kali_Mura

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

@thedad

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

@highwaytohelv

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

@TheTweetOfGod

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

@fro_vo

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

@beefman138

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

@ZachWeiner

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.