Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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Current mood: Potato
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Beware of fowl play.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
selfie game
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.