Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.