Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
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My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I was just discussing this with my cat
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.