Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions