Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.