Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.