Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.
![]()
You Might Also Like
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Software Development ⛵️
![]()
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now