[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.