@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

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@Marlebean

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

@Prof_Hinkley

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

@POTerritory

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

@SkinnerSteven

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

@BigJDubz

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

@pauleggleston

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

@_davidlucas_

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

@Cheeseboy22

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.