*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]


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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.


WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it


ME: fine there I looked now move the box


ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐


Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now


Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.


“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them


Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?


My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road


*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”


I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.



Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.