*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.