They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
*helping son with math problem*
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.