[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
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I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.