Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
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God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
seems like a niche market
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
This will never not be funny to me.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down