Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
You Might Also Like
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
groan^2
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.