@dafloydsta

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

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@IHideFromMyKids

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

@rebrafsim

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

@Death_Buddy

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

@ReeseButCallMeV

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

@TonyFan1420

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

@JefeJK47

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances