HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
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son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
marvel comics have peaked
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*