@djdarrellripley

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

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@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@caithuls

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

@meganamram

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

@jitka

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@Laser_Cat

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

@OBiiieeee

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

@NikkiReimer

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up