Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.