HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
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4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..