Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December