Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Solving a traffic jam
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!