Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.