Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
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My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
New mindset, who dis?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents