Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
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Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
pat pat
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes