Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
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*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss