HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am