HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth