Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
mariah carrie
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
this came to me in a vision
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?