Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
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Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible