HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
You Might Also Like
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Damn what did I do next
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”