I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
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If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
There, happy now? You cunts.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now