HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Netflix and you sit over there.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
my favorite genre of twitter
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what