HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.