Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Somebody’s lying.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.