her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Software Development ⛵️
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I don’t get marriage