Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
You Might Also Like
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me too 😆
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*mops up wine with cat*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on